Embrace or Resent?

Jordan shopped in Denver for some hats for me once I started treatment.  She brought them home Easter weekend.  On Friday night we went to the bedroom and I tried on the new hats and scarf.  The hat pictured here is a very soft cottony hat - I call it a cancer cap.  When I put it on, I lost it.  I cried (hate to admit it but kind of uncontrollably!).  Well, of course, Jordan joined right in with me!  I told her I looked like I had cancer.  Not really a look I ever wanted to have!  So we put the hats back in the bag and joined the rest of the family for the evening. 
The next day Jordan and I were shopping at Dillon's.  We ran into a friend who is a breast cancer survivor.  She had been helping me through the process so far.  So I asked her how she handled losing her hair.  Mine had been coming out in handfuls and thought by the end of the next week it would probably all be gone.  Her answer shocked me!  She said she never did.  She resented her wig the whole time.  Ok, believe it or not, that was exactly what I needed to hear.  Did I want to resent the hair loss for months?  No, of course not.  I had no choice in whether I was going to have hair or not.  I was losing my hair.  The choice I had to make was whether I would be resentful for months on end or embrace this change.  Well, you guessed it.  I decided to embrace losing my hair. 
So that night Taylor came home.  I showed him my new hats.  I put on my green cancer cap and didn't shed a tear!  
I've had fun wearing different hats and adding flowers to them.   My cousin Pauline crocheted flowers for me and I have enjoyed changing them out with different outfits.  Jordan found a cute bow and band in the baby section of Dillard's that looks really cute on my cancer cap.  My hats and flowers bring a smile to the nurses and chemo patients at the clinic.   That's what's important!  I also have a wig, but that's another blog post. 

The Hairs of Your Head Are All Numbered

Matthew 10:30 "But even the hairs of your head are all numbered."   We are important to God, he cares for us.  He's attuned to every detail - even our hair!!!  Well, I've made his job a little easier.  He doesn't have to count nearly as far now. 
So what is it like to lose your hair?  Well, I thought it would be much harder for women than for men.  But from what I hear from the guys at the chemo room, it is also difficult for them.   B.C. (before cancer) I didn't think losing your hair would be that hard.  After all, it grows back.  The loss is only temporary.  Just be thankful you are able to have treatments and get well. 
Now for reality!  A.C. (after cancer) I realized that losing your hair is a very hard process, not to be taken lightly.  I had heard that cancer patients wake up in the morning and find clumps of hair on their pillow.  I'm sure that's true for some but it didn't happen that way for me.  Instead I had nosebleeds and hair loss at the same time every day - first thing in the morning - in the shower.  Now that's a problem.  My hands would be full of hair yet I needed a free hand to take care of the nosebleed.  Bill got used to me calling his name every morning while in the shower.  He'd always come with paper towels!   So honestly, there were times he'd find me laughing about the situation and other times I'd be crying!   I don't think he ever knew just what to expect. 
I started losing my hair in the third week of treatment and it probably took about 2 weeks to lose it all.  So you basically have 2 weeks to adjust to less and less hair.  After handfuls of hair every morning, it's such a relief to not have hair!!! 
My next post will tell you my turning point on dealing with hair loss. 

Ok, so I had really good intentions when I started this journey to blog each step of the way!  Obviously that hasn't happened.  There were times when I felt overwhelmed with work, family, and cancer.  There were times when it was difficult to think or to put words together or to pay attention.  I think that's called chemo brain! (Maybe laziness!)  So I'm going to attempt to reflect on a few of my experience.

These entries may not be in the proper order.  The purpose is to pull out the highlights and let you know how my journey has gone thus far.  Hopefully it will be encouraging to you and to anyone who has to battle cancer in the future. 

Spring Break

Who doesn't love Spring Break?  Everyone needs a little break from their jobs once in awhile!  I've always loved spring break.  So nice to sleep in, spend time with the kids, clean closets, and just catch up! 
This spring break was much different for me.  Frankly, I was dreading the week!  The kids' spring breaks did not coincide with mine.  Jordan's was in early March, Taylor had been home the week before, and Dane was on choir tour during his spring break.  Many teachers were heading to Florida with the band and Buhler Singers.  Others were traveling to various locations.  Bill would be working all week.  I was afraid of being home alone!  I was afraid my support system would all be gone.  And I was afraid I would have too much 'think' time. 
Actually much of my spring break would be spent at the clinic.  Appointments on Monday,  surgery on Wednesday to insert the port catheter, and another appointment on Friday. 
Sunday afternoon my sister-in-law, Carol, called.  Carol lives 8 hours away from us.  I was surprised that she was only 45 minutes away.  She had sent two messages on facebook, the first one informing us that she was coming our way, but I had only noticed the second message asking us to give Dane a hug for her.  I replied, "Sure I can do that!"  I had no idea she was coming!  Her arrival was a God-send, a huge answer to prayer!  She would be in our area until Wednesday, visiting her dad and spending time with us and our cousin.  What a sigh of relief.  I wouldn't be alone after all!  Surely I could make it the rest of the week on my own! 
Monday night I got a call from my sister who lives in Houston.  She asked, "Would you like some company on Wednesday?"  Of course, I would!   But Jane?  Yes, Jane!  She was flying in to Wichita and would arrive around noon, just about the time I would be getting home from surgery!  She would be staying until Sunday evening!  WOW!!!  Another HUGE answer to prayer!
Did I love Spring Break?  You bet I did, even amongst the surgery and the still unanswered questions!  

Lesson Learned:  God will never leave us alone.  He provides all of our needs.  

Blessed Assurance

The Friday night that I learned about my disease, Bill and I decided we needed to keep busy.  So we made cookies.  However, we were missing a few ingredients.  I grabbed my friend Cynde and we ran to Dillons.  On the way there, I shared my most recent developments with her.
The next week Cynde and another friend, Annette, were in Boston for a convention.  Cynde called as they were walking to the Old North Church.  Knowing that Annette is a prayer warrior, I asked Cynde to share with Annette about what I was going through.  I wanted as many prayers as possible!
What is next is Annette's testimony of what happened that day in the Old North Church.
As we walked up to the church this feeling of awe became very intense. I know this was the Holy Spirit saying "this is your person to love and this is where I am going to use you."  As we walked in the church, my stomach had butterflies and my eyes were filled with tears.  I was standing in the place where our founding fathers worshiped.  Where our God had answered their prayers. They worshiped free from the king and they worshiped the same God we worship today.  The same God that continues today to give great comfort.

I found a spot away from the group and began to pray. I prayed that our Jesus fill you with comfort. I prayed for your doctors to be wise and for the Holy Spirit to guide their steps.  I prayed for your kids to feel comfort in knowing you are a follower of Christ. I prayed that somehow someway that our Lord and Savior be glorified by all of this and the pain be eased.

I then took the opportunity to pray for my family and thank God for all the blessings He has given us that we don't deserve.  I prayed  a prayer of thanks for people many years before us being brave to follow His lead so that I might have the opportunity to pray and worship whenever and however I wanted to without fear of persecution.

I then wanted some quiet worship so I noticed the hymns were still posted from the week before. I opened the Old English hymn to the number posted.  I don't remember the name, but as I read those familiar words of Blessed Assurance Jesus is mine, Oh what a fortress of Glory Divine.  I realized Jesus is and was with them and He is with us.  We have blessed Assurance.
Thanks to Annette and Cynde for praying for me in the Old North Church!  Oh, guess what song we sang in church the following Sunday?  Yep, Blessed Assurance!

I Will Not Be Shaken! Yeah Right!

Sunday morning, March 11th, 2012
I was hurting.  I was weak.  I was down.  I was devastated.    I . . . was . . . shaken.  You see, on Friday I heard the words ‘breast cancer’.  It was coming from the mouth of MY doctor and he was talking about ME!  ME!  I honestly think he only said the words once, maybe twice, while I was in his office, but I continued to hear them over and over again in my head.  Those words resonated louder and louder than anything else that was spoken.

I came to church with a broken heart, a heart that was longing for God.  I REALLY needed to feel God’s presence.  I had to get out of this slump.  My heart was open and ready to soak in all that I possibly could.  I really needed to be filled!  I HAD to be filled.  I knew I couldn’t do this one on my own.  This was much too big for me.

Wayne’s genuine handshake, which feels more like  “I truly care for you” rather than just a mere welcome to church, Sharon’s pat on the back as she spoke my name, a sincere worship team who had purposefully chosen the music, a prayer warrior praying during a praise song.  God’s presence was becoming apparent already. 

The sermon.   I earnestly prayed the message would be for me!  I really needed words that I could carry with me as I started this new journey in my life.   Words that could lift me through a biopsy.  Words that could embrace me while I waited anxiously for the results.  Words that could give us strength to tell our children.   Please God, use Lee today!  My husband and I are both hurting.  Please reveal God’s message to us today! 

Psalms 16:8 “I keep my eyes always on the LORD.
   With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”

What?  “I will not be shaken.” I will not be shaken?  Oh yes I will and I have proof!  Just look at me, just simply look at me today1  I AM SHAKEN!   Can’t you tell that I’m hurting?  Doesn’t anyone see my pain?  Can you see that I am CLEARLY shaken?

“I keep my eyes always on the LORD.”    Well, maybe this doesn’t apply to me this weekend.   I could easily change that scripture to read more like, “I keep my eyes always on MYSELF!”  Or “Take on the ‘all about me’ attitude.”   Thanks to our wonderful God, my problem was soon revealed to me.   My focus was on me!!   There were many other people in church Sunday morning that were hurting just as deeply as I was.  Just as quickly as my slump, my devastation, my weakness had hit me, it was starting to disappear.  Was I really shaken?  My faith never waivered, I had just hit a rough spot. 

Yes!  I want a life that can't be shaken!!!  Yes, I want a glad heart! Yes, I want to have a whole being that rejoices!  I have the blessed assurance that God will be with me through any trials that I face.  My focus has changed.    I will keep my eyes always on the LORD!  With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken!

To hear Lee's sermon which included my testimony click on Crossroads Christian Church, March 18th.

I Did

 After a mammogram and a sonogram on March 9th at 3:30 PM, my husband and I were given the preliminary news that the lump in my breast was cancer.   We have the kindest, most wonderful doctor, but how do you break this kind of news to someone?  Dr. Siler told us in the sweetest manner possible.  We knew he was truly sorry to have to give us this kind of news.  Bill and I were in shock for most of the evening.  We reviewed in our own minds and together just what the doctor said.  There was no way around it, no matter how we tried to manipulate his words, I had cancer.

What is so hard really, is knowing that you have cancer but not knowing all the details.  Is this get-able?  When will I start treatment?  How long will it take?  What surgery is required?  And more and more!  I realized those were details for the next appointments.  My doctor had said, "Let's NOT get ahead of ourselves."  That's a lesson I'm still working on! The waiting game is hard.

Honestly it goes against my grain to be 'down'.  I can only handle that state so long and then I have to start working on my attitude.  Getting ready for church Sunday morning I prayed fervently that God would show His presence to us through music, through the message and through the people.  We were 'open' to receiving any encouragement and support.  We knew we could NOT do this on our own.  Facing us that afternoon were the phone calls we had to make to our children.  We really needed God's strength to pull this off.
The next entry is my experience at church that Sunday.  I believe with all my heart that because I was open and ready to hear, see, feel God, that I DID.