Embrace or Resent?

Jordan shopped in Denver for some hats for me once I started treatment.  She brought them home Easter weekend.  On Friday night we went to the bedroom and I tried on the new hats and scarf.  The hat pictured here is a very soft cottony hat - I call it a cancer cap.  When I put it on, I lost it.  I cried (hate to admit it but kind of uncontrollably!).  Well, of course, Jordan joined right in with me!  I told her I looked like I had cancer.  Not really a look I ever wanted to have!  So we put the hats back in the bag and joined the rest of the family for the evening. 
The next day Jordan and I were shopping at Dillon's.  We ran into a friend who is a breast cancer survivor.  She had been helping me through the process so far.  So I asked her how she handled losing her hair.  Mine had been coming out in handfuls and thought by the end of the next week it would probably all be gone.  Her answer shocked me!  She said she never did.  She resented her wig the whole time.  Ok, believe it or not, that was exactly what I needed to hear.  Did I want to resent the hair loss for months?  No, of course not.  I had no choice in whether I was going to have hair or not.  I was losing my hair.  The choice I had to make was whether I would be resentful for months on end or embrace this change.  Well, you guessed it.  I decided to embrace losing my hair. 
So that night Taylor came home.  I showed him my new hats.  I put on my green cancer cap and didn't shed a tear!  
I've had fun wearing different hats and adding flowers to them.   My cousin Pauline crocheted flowers for me and I have enjoyed changing them out with different outfits.  Jordan found a cute bow and band in the baby section of Dillard's that looks really cute on my cancer cap.  My hats and flowers bring a smile to the nurses and chemo patients at the clinic.   That's what's important!  I also have a wig, but that's another blog post. 

The Hairs of Your Head Are All Numbered

Matthew 10:30 "But even the hairs of your head are all numbered."   We are important to God, he cares for us.  He's attuned to every detail - even our hair!!!  Well, I've made his job a little easier.  He doesn't have to count nearly as far now. 
So what is it like to lose your hair?  Well, I thought it would be much harder for women than for men.  But from what I hear from the guys at the chemo room, it is also difficult for them.   B.C. (before cancer) I didn't think losing your hair would be that hard.  After all, it grows back.  The loss is only temporary.  Just be thankful you are able to have treatments and get well. 
Now for reality!  A.C. (after cancer) I realized that losing your hair is a very hard process, not to be taken lightly.  I had heard that cancer patients wake up in the morning and find clumps of hair on their pillow.  I'm sure that's true for some but it didn't happen that way for me.  Instead I had nosebleeds and hair loss at the same time every day - first thing in the morning - in the shower.  Now that's a problem.  My hands would be full of hair yet I needed a free hand to take care of the nosebleed.  Bill got used to me calling his name every morning while in the shower.  He'd always come with paper towels!   So honestly, there were times he'd find me laughing about the situation and other times I'd be crying!   I don't think he ever knew just what to expect. 
I started losing my hair in the third week of treatment and it probably took about 2 weeks to lose it all.  So you basically have 2 weeks to adjust to less and less hair.  After handfuls of hair every morning, it's such a relief to not have hair!!! 
My next post will tell you my turning point on dealing with hair loss. 

Ok, so I had really good intentions when I started this journey to blog each step of the way!  Obviously that hasn't happened.  There were times when I felt overwhelmed with work, family, and cancer.  There were times when it was difficult to think or to put words together or to pay attention.  I think that's called chemo brain! (Maybe laziness!)  So I'm going to attempt to reflect on a few of my experience.

These entries may not be in the proper order.  The purpose is to pull out the highlights and let you know how my journey has gone thus far.  Hopefully it will be encouraging to you and to anyone who has to battle cancer in the future.